


sinking swiftly

by electriceell



Series: Being pulled under [3]
Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide, sad matt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 08:17:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6947218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electriceell/pseuds/electriceell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<i>He never does hit the ground when he falls in his dreams.</i>"</p><p> </p><p>Second follow up to "sun comes out (now or not at all)"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He never does hit the ground when he falls in his dreams. It’s never felt this good before and Matt feels guilty, knows he should go to confession. Instead he mulls over all those tidy plans he made in his dream. Maybe he had processed it subconsciously in the past week, but this is the first he’s allowed the thoughts to form. The more he ruminates on it, the better this plan seems. Action is better than this stasis he’s been in, so he begins packing his clothing up, easy to be donated or destroyed at Foggy’s will. 

The Daredevil suit needs to go next. He’s planning on dying, so it’s not like he needs the protective covering. If someone manages to kill him the only downside is that his identity would be revealed and he’s confident enough that he could at least throw himself in the Hudson if he was dying. So he can start working on the suit. Destroying it is not an easy process, but who knows the weak spots of the suit better than him. The only thing he can’t bring himself to destroy is the helmet. He’ll get rid of it, but he wants it to be whole. One last piece of him, of the good things he did for Hell’s Kitchen. 

When he goes out that night to patrol he’s back in the black uniform and mask he wore when it started. His small collection of personal effects is packed away, neatly stacked next to his couch, with the exception of his father’s robe from that final match. Matt sits and runs his fingers over the letters over and over again before he leaves with his armor packed up in a bag. 

While on patrol, Matt systematically disposes of his costume, getting rid of his helmet last. Before he goes home he swings by Karen’s apartment and leaves a bottle of good whiskey outside her window with a note that simply reads, “I’m sorry.” She’ll know it’s from him. 

Foggy’s apartment is Matt’s last stop before home. He leaves a nice bottle of whiskey for Fogs too and a longer apology note. Matt wishes there was more he could leave for his best friend, for one of the most important people in his life, but he’s at a loss. Maybe his death is gift enough.

When Matt gets home he showers and eats one last take out meal from the Thai place, remembers his stupid offer to Karen that first night. He drinks the beer that’s left in fridge and goes to bed. Tomorrow morning he will finally be free. For the first time in years he sleeps soundly.


	2. Chapter 2

Being a reporter had pros and cons. Getting Elison’s “get up so we can have the scoop” call at 4am was certainly a con. Karen loved covering breaking news and it was good to know about Daredevil things before the public, but damn she hated being woken up by that call. 

“Daredevil mask turned up floating near the edge of the Hudson. Get your ass down there and get me a story.” His voice is gruff but not uncaring.

Given a lifetime of loss, Karen is practiced and cycles through all five stages of grief in lightning speed, reaching acceptance as she heads out the door, hailing a cab en route to Matt’s apartment. She’s tempted to text Foggy, but she doesn’t know that anything wrong, doesn’t see the point in worrying him. Matt could have just lost the mask in a fight, but Karen knows, deep down, that something is wrong. 

After pounding on Matt’s door long enough to earn distain from his neighbor, Karen climbs up to get into the apartment from the roof access, praying it’s unlocked. By some miracle it is.

The light from the billboard reveals the stack of cardboard boxes and suitcases in Matt’s living room. Dread rises like bile in Karen’s throat as she rushes into Matt’s bedroom where she finds him sleeping. He looks angelic in sleep, his hair forms a soft halo and he looks serene without the perpetual look of worry forming lines between his eyebrows. The rise and fall of Matt’s chest is a comfort to Karen, but she still needs to know why his mask is no longer on his person.

Hovering awkwardly over Matt, Karen tries to decide whether she should wake Matt and make him talk right now or let him sleep and wait to talk to him when he wakes. The decision is made for her when he wakes up with a shout, lashing out at her.

“Who the fuck… Karen?”

“Yea Matt, sorry to scare you. Can we talk?”

“Why are you in my apartment?” She doesn’t miss his evasive maneuver, but she’s stubborn, she can play this game. 

“That’s what I want to talk about.” 

“Fine. Let me put on a shirt and I’ll meet you in the living room.” Reticent to leave Matt alone, Karen hovers for a moment, but decides its safe enough to listen to him. 

Now sporting a loose Columbia t-shirt, Matt walks stiffly to his couch, and seats himself next to the collection of his belongings. 

“They found the Daredevil mask in the Hudson. Do you want to explain that for me? Or, better yet, why is your apartment packed in cardboard boxes? You’re not moving. You’d never leave Hell’s Kitchen.”

“The mask must have fallen off while I was fighting. It’s nothing Karen. I’m just getting rid of some of my stuff. Now can I please go back to sleep?”

“Bullshit and bullshit, Murdock.” Staring Matt down, Karen wonders if he can sense or hear or feel her gaze. If not, he can certainly hear her heartbeat. She lets her eyes drop down to her hands where she picks at a hangnail. “I don’t know what’s going on Matt, but something is wrong and if you won’t tell me I’m calling Foggy or your church or… or someone. Matt, please. What the hell is going on?” Karen’s not sure what she’s expecting; Matt’s rarely been honest with her in the past, but here she is, hoping he’ll open up or at least answer her honestly.

“Karen, I… I was… I’m…” Matt takes a deep breath, “Look. Things haven’t been good. I… I don’t want to burden you with this.”

“Matt, I raced over here at early o’ clock because I was worried about you. I creepily watched you sleeping because I was so relieved you were in one piece. I’m more than willing to hear whatever it is that’s been going on and share some of that burden, okay?”

“I was…” Matt gulps as his eyes shift back and forth, “I was going to… you know, end things.”

“You were planning on killing yourself? Were you planning on talking to someone first or maybe letting me and Foggy know what’s going on? I know it hasn’t been that easy since you told me about Daredevil, but come on Matt. Since I’m still talking to you after that, I think it’s a safe bet that I don’t want you dead. 

“I didn’t not let you and Foggy know… I left stuff for you. I didn’t want your pity. I just wanted to do something right for once. It’s just – ” Matt’s cut off by his phone shouting out Foggy’s name. 

“I’m going to guess that Foggy found whatever it is you left for him, unless you guys have taken to 5am social calls.”

When Matt remains sitting motionless, Karen gets up to go get his phone.

“Hey Foggy. Yea, I’m here and Matt’s fine, well maybe not fine, but... You should probably head over. It’ll be better if we all talk in person. Okay. Okay. Great. See you soon.”

“Foggy’s coming over.” Karen announces to Matt, who remains motionless on the couch. 

“You want to keep talking, Matt, or should we wait for Foggy?”

She takes his lack of response as a yes to the latter and busies herself unpacking a few glasses, filling them up with water and setting them out on the coffee table. Foggy knocks, or, more accurately, pounds on the door just as Karen is measuring out coffee grounds. 

Opening the door to a rather disheveled Foggy, Karen goes to explain the situation, but Foggy just makes a beeline for Matt and pulls him into a bear hug. She can hear Foggy murmuring to Matt and sees him rocking Matt, as Matt fold into Foggy’s body. They stay like that when Matt starts sobbing and Foggy joins him. As Karen slips out to go buy them a few coffees for what’s sure to be a painful discussion she finally makes out what Foggy’s been muttering to Matt.

“It’s going to be okay buddy. I’m going to make everything better, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, this happened. I couldn't do the Matt being dead thing, so I wrote this to make me feel a little less sad (about my own writing... I'm a little pathetic XD)


End file.
